When should you adapt your style? The general rule is to do whatever helps you establish and maintain productive dialogue. Here are some guidelines.

Not all the time

Adapting style is essentially a temporary adjustment of a few behaviors. Consciously adapting your style to fit the other person's style all the time is not only unnecessary, but downright undesirable. One reason for this is that excessive behaviors that don't fit your personality can cast a shadow of suspicion and discredit on you among your colleagues. Another reason is that someone who constantly adapts is actually undermining their own character. Two social psychologists wrote, "Continuing to work all the time is like destroying ourselves." You'll be able to build healthy relationships if you adapt only when it's especially necessary, so you don't have to worry about it the rest of the time.

Start with a consensus.

This often makes a big difference, as Roger Gill advises. It means adapting your style at the beginning of a conversation so that you open in harmony with the other person. The beginning is the right time to build rapport, and following the other person's lead is one of the best legitimate ways to start a conversation that is mostly harmonious.

Most people appreciate the value of opening a conversation with a favorable compliment to the other person. However, few people realize how powerful the opening of a conversation is in determining the tone of the conversation later on. The atmosphere created during the first few minutes is surprisingly long-lasting. Sociologist Irving Kaufman, a specialist in human communication, noted that it is possible to predict how effective a conversation will be shortly after it begins. Therefore, opening with the other person's style is one of the most important uses of style adaptation. This doesn't mean you should always do it, but you can get the most out of many conversations by agreeing with the other person from the start.

Adapt your style at the right time

It's often a good plan to initiate an agreement, then ease off a few minutes later. However, keep an eye on the other person's pressure. If the pressure increases, start adapting your style again, then ease off again. One of the managers we worked with called this "adapting at the right time."

When There's Something Important to Discuss

When important matters are being discussed, you need to adapt your style to help ensure that it receives the attention it deserves. Your style has a significant impact on your communication. In fact, every style is, to some extent, a communication style. When you don't sync with the other person's style, you may choose to ignore the other based solely on your differences in style. This kills many good ideas, not because they lack quality, but because the communication process is doomed from the start.

It's clear that it's wise to adapt your style when you want your message to reach others, and it's equally important to adapt your style when others want to convey their message to you. Although delegation is more of a catch-all than a reality in many organizations, a person who excels at communicating, both sending and receiving, is increasingly valued by many organizations.

When the Other Person Seems to Be Under Excessive Stress

If you notice the person you're with is under more pressure than usual, use style adjustment to avoid creating more stress. To the extent that the difference in style contributes to the problem, your behavioral adjustments should help correct the situation. Even when the stress is related to a difference of opinion on an important issue, style adjustment should help correct the situation.

When the Other Person Is Extremely Aggressive

Some people are very set in their ways, as a result of their experiences in life. If you work with someone who is extremely adamant about their style, you must work especially hard to adapt your style to ensure productive communication and positive outcomes. Conversely, when the other person is extremely flexible, you don't have to put in a lot of effort to adapt. While you certainly need to do your part to create a good connection, the other person does a lot to bridge the gap in the relationship. Some of the most enjoyable interactions are those between two highly flexible people who deliberately make small changes to maintain harmony. The dialogue can feel more like a gentle relationship than a systematic effort to get along with the other person.