How do you know that your relationship with your child needs to be fixed?

12:3:0

2025-01-30

((My daughter’s willful refusal to cooperate has always been my biggest test of patience. Then, inspired by your newsletter, I decided to try an experiment. When she was being stubborn, I would simply walk up to her, give her a big hug, tell her how much I love her, and then repeat my request in a gentle voice. The effect on my blood pressure was amazing, but the effect on her behavior was beyond belief. She went from being a stubborn child to being eager to please with just one hug.))

- Kristen, mom of a 3-year-old

The most obvious sign that your relationship with your child needs some adjustment is stubbornness. Children will always have different priorities than we do, but they want to feel good in their relationship with us, so they actually want to cooperate. When they don’t, it’s usually a sign that they’re losing touch. So, the challenge isn’t a discipline issue, it’s a relationship issue.

Because young children are so tolerant and seek approval and closeness with their parents, at least some of the time, most parents say they have a good relationship with their children. We know we love them, even when we get angry. But by the time they reach sixth grade, fewer than half of children in the United States describe their interactions with their parents as positive.

If you feel like you can’t influence your child—if your child refuses to listen to you or follow your requests, seems tough in the face of your anger, or if you regularly yell, impose “consequences,” or punish with temporary removal—your relationship needs repair. But even if your child seems just difficult, she may be sending you a message that she needs something from you that she’s missing.

That doesn’t mean you’ve failed at parenting in some way. Many children are difficult to connect with because they’re colicky, strong-willed, or born with a specific challenge, such as a genetic predisposition to anxiety or depression. And some children face risk factors such as divorce, illness, separation, postpartum depression in the mother, or having a sibling while they’re still young. The current trend for young children to spend a lot of time with people other than their parents simply doesn’t work for all children. Many parents follow outdated parenting advice because they want to do the best they can for their child. Our culture doesn’t teach parents how to manage emotions, so sometimes an emotional bag full of frustration or anxiety can prevent a child from feeling close. Finally, it’s simply the nature of human relationships that we will have conflict with our child. In all of these cases, the child may feel disconnected and act out. That’s always a sign that we need to make some adjustments to the relationship. It takes patience, the ability to regulate our own emotions, luck, and hard emotional work to repair a broken relationship. The good news is that it’s never too late to heal your bond with your child. Because breakups and conflicts happen every day, adjustments should be part of your daily ritual. Major adjustments require more time and attention, and sometimes, help from a therapist, but they’re always possible. No one can replace you in your child’s heart. You will always be her mom. It may seem like she's hardened her heart towards you, but your sweet little girl is still there, waiting to connect with you again.