When you love your son, anxiety and fear can be your constant companions. Novelist Barbara Kingsolver once wrote, “Being a mother is always walking around with your heart outside your body.” When it is late, and the house is quiet, and you are not sure of the whereabouts of your son, you may feel the urge to wander around his room in search of clues. But what happens if you find what you're looking for?
The fragile link
Most boys (especially teenagers) consider their rooms to be their own private space. They are fierce defenders of their privacy and can become furious if a worried mother dares open a drawer or rummage through a backpack. Parents sometimes think that their desire to protect their children gives them the right to read their diaries, text messages, emails, search their lockers, wiretap their conversations, and even put a hidden camera, but boys rarely agree to that.
Building trust between a mother or father and a child requires years of listening, sharing, and problem-solving together. It is very easy to damage this trust, but this damage is not always caused by children.
If you suspect there is a problem
If you know your son well, you will know when to worry. Unexplained absence from school, loss of money or belongings, irrational behavior, or drastic changes in sleeping or eating habits can all be warning signs. It is usually wise to approach your son directly, calmly and with respect, and to let him know that you are concerned for his safety and comfort... and that you want to help him, not tame him.
If your son refuses to talk to you, you may decide that you have no choice but to search through his possessions. If you find something disturbing, talk to your son directly and tell him what you did and why you did this. Then, focus on finding solutions, no matter what that means. Make sure that the message of love and attention reaches your son.
It is usually best to respect your son's privacy exactly as you would expect him to respect yours, unless you find a good reason to spy on him. If you focus on listening, understanding, and communicating properly, you might just find that snooping isn't necessary at all.
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