Worried about what to do without the threat of consequences to keep your child on the right track? The next time your child refuses your instructions and you find yourself about to make a threat, try one of these responses instead. Remember to start by taking a deep breath to calm yourself down, so everyone can think.

1. Let your child figure it out. (“You haven’t brushed your teeth yet, and I want to make sure we have time to read a story. What should we do?”). Children love to help and solve puzzles. Sometimes all they need is a chance—and a little respect.

2. Work together to come up with solutions that work for everyone. If your child doesn’t come up with a solution that works for you, explain the problem to her and help her come up with a solution that works for her. You think you can just skip brushing your teeth tonight? Hmm… not for me because your poor teeth will get so dirty with germs that they can get tiny holes in them. What else can we do to brush your teeth and make time for a story? Do you want to put your pajamas on first, then brush your teeth?”

Once your child is confident that you are serious about solutions that satisfy all

parties, she will be more likely to work with you to find a solution that works for everyone.

3. Use a collaborative approach. Consider the difference between these phrasings:

* (Go brush your teeth now). Because no one likes to be told what to do, a direct command like this will likely invite resistance, either directly or in the form of procrastination.

* (Can you go brush your teeth now?). Many children will think about this and simply respond with a simple “no.” Don’t phrase your request as a yes-or-no question unless you are prepared to accept “no” for an answer.

* (Do you want to brush your teeth now or after you get dressed?). You give your child respect by giving him some control, while still retaining the responsibility to make the decisions you need as a parent. Of course, only offer options that you can accept.

* (You can brush your teeth now.) It almost sounds like a privilege, doesn’t it? It is a command, but it is respectful. It works especially well with kids who are overwhelmed by choices.

4. Give her the key to mastery. Let her take charge of as many of her activities as possible. Don’t pester her to brush her teeth; ask, “What else do you need to do before we leave?” If she seems confused, give her a short list: (“Every morning, we eat breakfast, brush our teeth, do the bathroom, and pack our backpack. I saw you packing, so good on you for getting that out of the way. Now what else do you need to do before we leave?”). When kids feel more independent and in control, they have less need to rebel and resist, not to mention they can take responsibility at an early age.

5. Ask for a second chance “Sorry. I asked you to brush your teeth and you ignored me, so you started yelling. I’m sorry, let’s try again.” This is a great way to keep things from going south. Get down on your child’s level and make warm contact. Look her in the eye. Touch her. “Okay, let’s try this again, honey. It’s tooth brushing time! How can we work as a team here to brush your teeth?”

6. Make it a game. (Don’t you want to sit in the car seat? Here’s the pilot talking. The spaceship is ready to go. Fasten your seatbelts! Ten… nine… eight… seven… six….)

7. Redirect oppositional energy with playful physical contact. “What do you mean you don’t want to wear your pajamas? Come here, won’t you wear your pajamas, boy! I’ll show you who’s boss here! Where do you think you’re going? You better come here and put your pajamas on! I’m the one who puts you in your pajamas and I always do my job! You, you ran away!” Stutter, trip, and fall. Put the pajama on your head until he laughs even harder. When you finally get him, tease him with some rough play until you collapse in each other’s arms. Now that the mood has shifted and communication has taken hold, expect compliance, and give him a choice: Do you want to wear pajamas while you listen to a story, or are you cold and need to wear them or not?

8. Give her what she wants in the form of a wish. (I bet when you grow up you’ll stay up all night, every night, right?)

9. Give her what she really wants. Many disagreements aren’t worth a power struggle. (I get that you don’t want to wear your jacket today. But I’m afraid you’ll get cold once we go out. How about I put your jacket in your backpack, and then it’ll be with us if you change your mind?) She won’t get pneumonia. As long as asking for a jacket doesn’t mean she’ll lose face, she’ll wear it if she gets cold.

10. Give your child the reins. (Don’t you want to sit in the car seat? That’s okay, we have time for you to sit when you’re ready. I’ll read my book while I wait.)

11. Engage the logical part of your brain. Overcome the fight-or-flight response by recounting what happened: (You were having so much fun playing with Daddy. Then he told you to go brush your teeth. You were mad, right? … Then Daddy told you he wasn’t going to tell you a story tonight. Right? … Now you’re sad.) And angry. I’m here for you. I love you. Daddy loves you. Daddy was upset too, but now he’s here to hug you… Let’s find a way we can all have a good evening, and feel good when we put you to bed. Maybe we all need another chance?). This builds emotional intelligence in your child—and your partner. It can’t get you all on the same boat, but it can get you on the same wavelength!

12. Address the root of the problem. When your child challenges you, they’re often asking for help in dealing with their emotions. You’ll realize that this is happening when your child seems miserable and makes you miserable, when nothing you try works. At those times, your child is showing you that they have deep feelings that need to be expressed, and that they need your help. So if you set a limit and your child challenges you, forget about punishments and consequences. Walk up to them, look them in the eye, and reiterate your limits with as much compassion as you can muster. Help them break down. After your child has had time to get rid of that tight knot of unhappy emotions, you will find him much more cooperative.

If we are stuck in a series of threats and consequences, it can be difficult to rehabilitate ourselves. The secret is to remove the word consequences from your vocabulary, and replace it with the term problem solving. You will be amazed at the difference.