(The truth is, these kids push us to be better parents. We have to learn the skills to make things work and meet their needs. And they can teach us a lot about ourselves if we persevere and keep trying.) —Patient, mom of a special needs child

If you’re reading this and thinking, “Maybe this works for other kids, but not for me. This writer doesn’t understand what it’s like with my kid,” I want to talk to you directly. Your child may be stubborn. He may have trouble regulating his impulses. From talking to parents, I know that many children are exceptionally challenging and difficult to parent, and that parents need an extra dose of patience to nurture them. Everything I’ve described about using positive discipline instead of punishment will be harder to implement with your child.

But that doesn’t mean that everything I’ve said doesn’t apply to your child. In fact, it applies to your child more than it does to other children who fit the gamut of what we consider “typical.” Parents of typical children can probably use any reasonably consistent and loving parenting philosophy, and their children will grow up just fine. But for difficult children, parenting is even more important. While authoritarian parenting is not the best way to deal with any child, it can drive a stubborn child into dangerous behaviors and drive them out of your life altogether. If you have a temperamentally difficult child, the only way you can effectively parent them is through connection, empathy, and helping them process their emotions.

Tips for Action

Children who have been raised from birth to feel safe expressing their emotions and to feel that their parents are there for them are not perfect. They are, however, easier to parent because they are better at managing their emotions and, therefore, their behavior. They are more receptive to our guidance.

But what if you replaced loving guidance with punishment? To your surprise, your child did not turn over a new leaf overnight and become the little angel you had hoped for?

The answer is that you are learning to regulate your emotions now, and so is your child. You are learning how to keep your cool and release your upset feelings by taking deep breaths. Your child is likely carrying a lot of old tears and fears, and now that he feels safe, all of those feelings are coming out to heal.

As with any transition, your journey to changing your parenting style will be a transitional period, a time when you are deepening your relationship and learning to work together. The hard part is regulating your own emotions so that you can stay calm and accept your child’s emotions with open arms. Fortunately, it won’t be long before you see positive changes, and you will be motivated to keep going. Don’t worry about your child changing. If you change what you do, your child will change. Use these actionable guidelines as a quick reference.

How to Set Empathic Boundaries

One of the first things you taught us was how to set empathic boundaries and hold our son when he was crying (and screaming and twitching). I remember the first time we did this, and it was a special turning point. It was 5 a.m. when our son came back into our room. I said, “It’s still bedtime. Go back to bed,” and he collapsed crying and screaming. My husband and I held him, telling him we loved him, and that he could be as angry and sad as he wanted, for about thirty minutes of one of the worst meltdowns we’ve ever seen. At the end, we held his tired little body as he lay next to my husband. “That day, he was a different child. He was loving and helpful.” —Cassie, mom of two

Setting boundaries is an integral part of parenting. Boundaries keep our children safe and healthy and support them in learning social norms so they can thrive in society. If we set boundaries with compassion, children are more likely to develop the ability to set boundaries for themselves, also known as self-discipline.

How do you do at setting boundaries?

* Does your child immediately comply with every request, even though you never raise your voice, threaten, or punish? If so, thank God, and please let me in on your secret.

* Does your child eventually comply, after repeated reminders, negotiations, and occasional escalations of anger? Then your family is perfectly within the normal range. Making some improvements to your approach will help you reduce the intensity of your anger.

* Does your child ignore all your requests, and leave you screaming most of the time? That is a symptom of a relationship problem, not a boundary problem. Start working on repairing the relationship so that your child wants to cooperate with you.

This is the biggest secret to setting boundaries. You can’t really force anyone to do anything. Your child complies because of the strong relationship of trust and affection between you. The other option, of course, is fear, which is an effective motivator in the moment. But because you have to keep escalating your threats, fear becomes less effective over time, and love becomes a more effective motivator over time.

So how do you set effective boundaries?

* Start with supportive, close communication with your child so that he knows you are there for him and wants to please you.

* Don’t start talking until you’ve connected. Look into your child’s eyes. Touch her to get her attention.

* Agree with her as you set the boundary. (This sounds like a lot of fun… but I’m afraid someone might get hurt here.)

* Set the boundary calmly, gently, and with genuine empathy. “Oh! I’m not into you, so please don’t yell at me. You must be really upset to be using that tone of voice. What’s wrong, honey?”

* Acknowledge her point of view as you set the boundary. (It’s hard to stop playing and go back inside now. But it’s bath time.)

* Help your child get rid of the feeling of being “forced” by giving her choices (Do you want to go in now, or in five minutes?)

* Make an agreement so that your child feels like she’s the one who chose the “boundary” and will be responsible for it. (Okay, five minutes, but no fuss after five minutes, okay? Let’s shake hands on that.)

* Follow through on what you agreed to with kindness. It’s much easier to enforce the agreement gently before you lose your temper. It’s also easier to gain your child’s cooperation if she knows you won’t keep delaying the agreed-upon time every time she makes a fuss. Often, you’ll need to physically approach her and look her in the eye to make her take your boundaries seriously. This is much more effective than raising your voice. (Five minutes have passed. Time to go in.)

* Stay close to her, and remain sympathetic. (You’re having so much fun outside! But it’s time for your bath.)

* End the negotiation. (I know it’s hard for you to stop playing, but we agreed on five minutes without a fuss. Five minutes have passed. Let’s go.)

* Don’t expect her to like it. No child will comply all the time happily, and that’s okay. You can empathize with her sadness without changing the boundaries you’ve set. (I get that you hate going in when other kids can stay out late. You must be… but you’re tough. You need a bath tonight, and I want to make sure we find time for a bedtime story.)

* When you can’t make her wish come true, make it come true in your imagination. (I bet when you’re older, you’ll stay up all night playing outside every night, right?)

* If your child cries or gets angry at a limit you’ve set, listen to her feelings. Once children feel heard, they’ll be more cooperative. (You wish you could have candy… There you go, crying… I’m here, sweetie, right next to you, I’ll give you a hug when you’re ready.)

* Respond to the need or feeling that drives the behavior. (You’re teasing your brother because you want to play with him, right? Let’s go ask him to, instead of ruining his toy.)

* Resist the temptation to impose punishments of any kind. Setting a limit is enough to teach a child the lesson, and they will eventually embrace our rules and customs as part of themselves. Criticism increases the likelihood that your child will rebel against the rules.

* When your child defies you, focus on the relationship rather than the discipline. A child who is being rude is either deeply upset or expressing a need for a better relationship with you. Either way, the consequences will only make the situation worse. I am not suggesting that you tolerate rudeness, but rather that you view it as a warning to make some repairs to your relationship.

* When all else fails, try a hug. You are not rewarding your child for her misbehavior. Children misbehave when they feel they have lost touch with you. Reconnect to give her a reason to behave. You are giving her the security to get through her turmoil more quickly, and you are helping her settle down and emerge as the best version of herself.